So, lately,

My friend just got engaged and she is going to get married next year, she is just so sure about everything and taking no ones shit. Despite her family and some of my family’s best efforts of trying to talk her out of the marriage, she held on and kept fighting for him and now they are about to say “I do.” and prove everyone wrong. 
I wish I was like her, I wish that I was so sure of everything, never second guessing anything. she just full on dives into the water, without testing the temperature. 
Most of all I wish that I loved someone so much that I would fight for them and do anything to stay with them. Even if that means going against my family. 
I wish that I could pour my heart out to someone and not worry about them running away, I wish that I just had someone to even come close to that feeling with.

Also,
I feel like I am holding everyone in my life back. Even with my friend, I tried to talk her out of the marriage. why would I do that? Why would I try and stop someone from wanting to spend their life with someone they spent to long fighting for? I should of supported her, I should of been there to tell her that she should do what makes her happy. But no, I had to be a bitch and tell her that want she wanted was wrong. Of course it’s not wrong, what is so horrible with wanting to spend the rest of your life with the person you love?

Another thing,
I realised the same thing with my ex-boyfriend. The whole time we were dating I was holding him back. I didn’t realise that until we broke up and he told me about his life. which is so much better now that I have nothing to do with it. He is out there being a normal teenage boy and I was just slowing him down. As much as I want him back, I can’t take all that away from him. If I had known I was, I would of ended it much earlier and let him move on as quick as he could.

That’s just what I do, I let down the people I care about the most, just because I am so terrified of being lonely. I keep them so close, I forget that they feel like their stuck.